dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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