my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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