You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
