Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize