I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
