WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
