I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
