Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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