My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
