I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
