so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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