He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
