just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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