I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
