wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
