I'm pants shitting drunk right now
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
