I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
