My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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