He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
