i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
