Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
