Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
