I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
