I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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