Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
