4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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