Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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