Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize