Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
