we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
