You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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