My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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