I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
