it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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