The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
