community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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