Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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