my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
