I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
