well I can't set my house on fire every night
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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