I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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