my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
