Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
