I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
