Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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