Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
