the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
