i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I looked at my own cervix.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize