just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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