I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
