I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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