After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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