Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Don't make out with my wife yet
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
