Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
