i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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