One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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