Did you just see the Batmobile???
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
