I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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