Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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