Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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