I want to walk on stilts...naked
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
