a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize