Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
