I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
