Already got asked if we're dating
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
